“Critical!” they said, “she’s critical!”

In truth, she wasn’t difficult to understand. And it’s not even as if there is much to understand, either. It was a lot simpler than it seemed, than she makes them out to be. But no matter how much she tried, her humanity has never helped the cause. She started fading as she started remembering. Do they feel alive, she thought, as they are being remembered? Do they feel her fading as they forget pieces of her, or does it come as a dull pain whose subtlety was easily dismissed, left behind like the rest of her? No. It wasn’t humanity. This time she couldn’t believe her own excuse. It was never humanity. It was her. Just her. And they felt nothing.

“She’s gone…she’s gone…she’s gone…she’s gone…she’s….”

But they could not find grace in repetition.

She lives; she’s less than alive, but she lives. She’s not dead. She’s not lost. She was just forgotten.

And she was just trying to remember.

(I still don’t know what i stand for, what do i stand for, what do i stand for)

Sadly though, life has been both too crazy and too boring for me to point out endings and beginnings. Come to think about it, there are quite a lot of things in my life right now that i should understand. But i don’t. And more often than not, i write about the stupid things i would want to understand. But this isn’t one of it. For some insane reason, and for once, i don’t want to think about things that matter. I want to think about things that are not important in desperate virtue of escaping? Not really. Getting away from? Nearly. Vacationing? Perfect. I want to think about the insignificant in desperate virtue of vacationing. Now that sounds just right. And all in nonsensical run-on sentences. And fragments.

As an example, this morning i woke up to a very peculiar breakfast. No authority above the age of 25 is in the house right now, which leaves me and my cousin to wake up very, very late alone, and with no arranged breakfast. Before I move on, I know what you’re thinking. I’m eighteen, dammit when am i going to start to cook my own freaking food! No one’s going to cook for me forever, I know! Au contraire. I don’t know how to cook, so my parents think it right for me to just keep waiting for and eating food rather than burning my house down. And possibly my neighbors’, too. So anyway, pancakes were up for breakfast but apparently, this is the first time our helper cooked pancakes ever. Cut the long story short, she threw the whole batter in a huge pan. Leaving us with a burnt and one very very VERY fat pancake. And still no breakfast. 

But i think food is actually a life-and-death situation when enough time has passed, so let’s leave that.

Another thing: i think i missed the memo on the color blue today. I rode public transport again, and i cannot help but notice that every single person on the long seat opposite of mine were wearing different shades of blue. Except that one lady in the middle with the gray blouse. Even though, i still put that under colors that go well with blue. It was so peculiar seeing around ten people, from the driver to that sleeping guy nearest the where-the-door-should-be-but-its-not. I thought my head was killing me. For some reason, the jeep i rode was specifically jumpy, vibrate-y, and party vibe-y today. That plus the heaps of no mood for school and preliminary exams. I looked outside the window and ta-da! Every jeepney driver was wearing blue! Plus the tricycle i rode going to my house, and that shirt manong tricycle driver was wearing. Guess what color that was! Remind me not to wear blue on Wednesdays. Also, try high-lighting text on this page. NAME THAT COLOR. (But only if you’re using standard Microsoft or Macintosh colors.)

I think it’s weird that people expect me to understand certain things when clearly (and quite simply), i don’t. They don’t explain things, so i assume. And then they get mad if and when i assume. People should just start explaining more. It will make the world a happier place. Big chance that it wouldn’t make it better. Just happier. And sometimes, that’s enough.

it would be such a breather to have someone ask me how i am and mean it. To sincerely want to know. Not by necessity. Nor by social demand, as conversational starter, an escape from a potentially awkward situation. None of those. Especially not forced. I’m tired. I’m always, always tired.

my college banner isn’t even there, but the rest of CRS’ is, so… PLUS PHYSICAL THERAPY!

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Joyce invited my block to her debut about two weeks ago. It was such a breather - we all got a (well-deserved and) decent break after the First Shifting exams. To give you guys an idea what this ala Queer Terror is, most colleges would have Preliminary Exams and then Final exams. But well, since we are a science course, and pre-med at that, we have a pre-preliminary exams. Called first shifting exams. it’s our first episode of sleepless nights even though we just study for a maximum of two general subjects. You cannot believe how terrible some of them went out. Honestly, if most of us in high school would aim top-notch grades, nowadays, we’re happy to even have passed our exams. That’s how weirdly unenjoyable this week is. It was fun to let loose and have some good fun after all the stress. Too much fun even, I wasn’t able to take much photos of after the cotillion because i was afraid people might spill drinks on my camera….yes hihihihi. Plus my camera was quickly filled with Nikki Gaw’s hobby of taking pictures of people while eating so she can make fun of them and such…what are friends for. Spent my night getting to know (and taking care of some of) my block mates. They honestly are amazing, good-humored people, who cannot take their alcohol very well and therefore are very, very, very entertaining. Drunk or not though, I enjoy their company very much. I think these first few months into college would have been very different and less bearable if it weren’t for their sense of humor.

Oh but before that, I met up with Reggie! It was wonderful meeting up with her again! We caught up in Mcdo Katipunan with a round of french fries - I missed Katipunan. It was great meeting up with her, and to see a familiar face i can trust with my life with all the strangers I’m forced to trust in Manila. Honestly, no matter how good people seem to be on the street, people giving me a smile good morning or things like that, I cannot help but think they’re going to either kidnap me or snatch my bag and so i live in this portable shelter that says “do not disturb” or else on the top. My block mates have been experiencing hold ups and whatnots and it is freaking me out okay, I commute!!

Made sure everyone had a ride home after Joyce’s party. Especially Shane. Hung out with James and Vans after everyone went home. Talked about how crazy the night had been, and the weeks past. My mother and my cousins picked me up, but none of us slept soon. We went straight to Bellevue, Alabang to spend the night and watch cartoons. I realized then that I needed sleep because I’ve been awake for more than twenty-four hours since I stayed up for JM who had trouble with headaches and sleeping the morning before. It was all well-spent though. It was a good day. Forced myself to sleep but still woke up the earliest. Hung out with our visitors from abroad one last time before I dived into the academe again.

Lorraine!

Milli and Vans

The wonderful wonderful Nikki Gaw (who took over my camera for the night and declared she can do very well in BFA Photog if PT fails her. GO NIKKI!)

Abbie

Ia, Ce, and Milli

Shane and Vans.

I don’t know. Is it just me, or is there this unwritten rule preventing boys from smiling and looking at the camera at the same time? Pa-shy effect. Man box. Shame shame!

(n.) see also: first day jitters and/or what the hell i have no idea what to do next; oh hi, you’re here too? great, let’s eat!

Today’s agenda was set out purposefully, and ended a bit useless but wonderful nonetheless. It was a surprise I even woke up on time. And got ready on time! Ahh, life’s great miracles. I felt so righteous attempting to go to mass before school only to come across Grethel and Pat O who came from the chapel and said it was so packed with people (later on, Martha said they shut some panel so the teachers were separated from the students…weird) that we didn’t bother going back again. We hung out at McDo instead and well, met up with literally a dozen high school batchmates. We were, quote-unquote, so Assumption. Laughing loudly, greeting a bit too excitedly and shushing ourselves when we heard how boisterous we were becoming. It was good seeing them again. A bit reassuring as well. And no one even bothered to order a decent meal.

We resorted to visiting classrooms when we had our fill of airconditioning and sitting down. Koo, Cham and I braved the not-really-sixth-but-fifth-actually-it’s-just-really-messed-up floor of the Med building since our first classes would be held there. It was terrible, it was terrible, it was so hot and terrible. We looked so haggard after and I swear I just wanted to melt into a chair, in an air conditioned room again. (Actually I was fine until I saw a mirror and realized how shitty i looked.)

We all went to our one o’clock classes after a lot of panicking and borderline cursing… Mine wasn’t even welcoming. Lights were closed, and there were only three of us who at least came on time and left when no professor seemed to actually have motive for RM123. Actually no, the ~active members of the facebook group organized an eleven o’clock meeting in that said classroom (which only five or something attended), us ignorant and/or awkward ones just attempted classes and left. And then I ate lunch with Mary, saw Aicca on my way to Quezon Ave, took the bus going home etc etc.

I honestly just went to school because instructions weren’t given clearly enough to even make sense. No one from my block could give a definite answer when asked if classes were resuming at one so my batchmates and we resorted to freaking out and hanging out til classes allegedly ressume. Which they did not.

And so here starts my everyday adventures to and back from our capital.

Wish me luck

That awkward moment when all your blockmates are like, “Oh hey let’s go out, San Lazaro, Sto Domingo, etc etc” and all i can do is amaze at how many saint streets there really are…. and how bad I am in socializing. I don’t even know how to go to and from school.

WHAT IS MY UNIVERSITY LIFE EVEN.

There were two guys outside who rang the doorbell, asked for my name (of which i refused to give so the proceeded to call me Ate, ate, okay lang ba ‘yon sa inyo, ate?) to talk about religion and “Kung Bakit Ikaw ay Makapagtitiwala sa Bibliya“…

That topic is best talked about when a) I have been awake for at least half the day, b) I’m relatively half drunk, nearly wasted, or generally not sober, c) when we are, or potentially are really really really really close (or when my grade depends on it, whichever comes first).

I believe in goodness, in love, and in God. Anything that goes on in between is mine and mine alone.